It has been a month since McKenna's passing. It's been such a blur for us, that's for sure. Emotions catch us off guard and just when we think our wounds are healing, the scab gets ripped off yet again. I found myself in quite a dark hole last week....all the TAs were coming in at our agency......and there was one that was missing. I had no idea I would be affected so terribly by our absent TA. It nearly put me right back on my knees. When so many were celebrating (as they should!) I was completely devastated all over again. The hurt is just so deep. So many months of dreaming, planning, missing, loving...it all disappeared with a phone call. The dates we would have traveled to bring McKenna home are going to come and go. I studied those dates for months. Stared at the calendar. Counted the days, time and time again. And a matter of weeks made a difference between life and death for our baby girl. My heart was aching....so badly.
Some how.....some way, I pulled out of this dark place. It was almost miraculous and I am so thankful that my faith in this journey is so strong. I have come full circle to realize that I need to look forward now, even though I know I will still have the unexpected emotions still creeping in. I now know that I am healing from this terrible sadness.....
I ordered this necklace for McKenna's foster mother. The symbols are representative of her Chinese name, JIAN CAI. Her name translates to "healthy" and "colorful". I have no doubt that McKenna was quite the "colorful" child. And we know that although she died from a terrible illness, she is now whole and healthy. Forever.
The necklace will be hand delivered by my good friend, Nicole, who is headed to China for her little Peyton next month. Nicole will pass the necklace to the Grace and Hope staff, and they have agreed to pass it along to the foster family. We want them to know how much McKenna was loved....even from half a world away. And how much we appreciated what they did for her. We were able to write them a letter and express all of these emotions. It does bring us some type of closure and gives us the feeling that now we can move on.
And now, as I look forward, I am finding happiness again. This journey started with such a leap of faith. Of course, I never expected this bumpy road, but I know it's leading me somewhere. We have our arms and our hearts wide open for our new little girl, Quinn. Her smile warms our hearts and give us so much to look forward to. Our new blog:
www.frombluebonnetstoalittlelotusflower.blogspot.com
We'd love for you to stop by and see Quinn's precious face!
Side note: the necklace was purchased from Jiayin Designs. All necklaces are custom made over in China and mailed to your home. Check out their website: www.jiayindesigns.com. The necklace is even more beautiful in person than in the photo!
So with that, I sign off of McKenna's blog and will always remember the pure emotion/joy/excitement/love/anticipation/dreams.....while I wrote all of these posts. McKenna will be with us forever and she will always be such an important part of our journey to Quinn.
