Home for the Holidays

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday and time of year. I grew up in Kansas City, but all of my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins lived in the Eastern states. Nearly every Christmas, we packed up and drove to Tennessee so we could spend time with everyone. There was nothing all year that I would look forward to more. The memories that those trips created for me will be cherished always. So, every other year, this Texas gang packs up and drives to Kansas City, where we see most of our family. Over the past week, I have sat and watched my own kids creating those same memories with their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. I cannot help but to smile when I think of how special these times are in my children's lives. As the week has gone by, I am left with many great memories once again, but at the same time, underneath the joy lies a constant ache for a little soul out there that is missing from this bunch. I cannot explain how much this little girl has already affected our lives. Though we have never met her, we feel that she IS part of our family and her absense is felt by us all. As I have tangled with these feelings all week, I have taken comfort in knowing how much times like these will mean to McKenna some day. The bonds she will create with her grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins will last a life time and we will all be so blessed to have her as part of our lives. I intend to never miss another Christmas with McKenna. As I look forward to the many holidays ahead, I cannot wait to see what is in store for all of us.

We are still waiting on updates about McKenna from Ladybugs N Love. We are hopeful that our packages were delivered to McKenna's foster family and she was able to enjoy her presents/birthday cake on her birthday. Our I800A application was MIA for a short amount of time, but has finally been officially recieved by the USCIS. It took nearly 3 weeks just to get our receipt stating that our application had arrived. Thank goodness for Fed Ex and tracking numbers! We knew our application was delivered, but no one else seemed to know and the USCIS officers kept telling me it was very unusual that it was taking so long. Who wants to hear that!?! The next step is waiting for our finger printing appt. I have decided to put my time line expectations aside and just go with the flow. If you know me well, I'm not exactly the most patient person in the world with things like this. I know the wait will be long and it will probably get a lot harder, but the reward at the end of all of this will be the greatest of all.

Happy Holidays to everyone!

The Day our Ladybug was Born.

Today is McKenna's 2nd birthday. We wish we could be with her to celebrate, but since that is impossible, we sent her a care package and ordered her a birthday cake. We hope that the orphanage director was able to get them to her today. She was supposed to be paying a visit to Nanning to check up on McKenna before her birthday. She promised Angela from Ladybugs N Love to get some updates on her. We are anxiously awaiting new photos and any new information!

This day has brought out many emotions. It's strange to think that I will never know much about McKenna's first few years of life. I will never know what her first words were, when she got her first tooth, when she started crawling and walking, what she was like as a baby.....all the things that I documented in Jack, Austin and Ava's baby book. The milestones in each phase of baby-hood. As much as I relished those milestones with each baby, it was just not meant to be that I know those things about McKenna. They are just so unimportant to the bigger picture. I can still celebrate the small steps in her life. Though I don't really know exactly what they were, I do know that she has been on the path to us all along. And for that, I am good not knowing the little stuff. The bigger picture is so much sweeter.

Now, I'd be lying if I said I didn't find myself wondering what it must have been like for her birth parents on the day she was born. Why did they abandon her? The easy assumption is to blame it on the 1 child rule. 1 child = perfect, healthy boy for most. But was this really the reason?

Abandon: to forsake completely; desert; leave behind.

There has to be some pretty big reasons. It's so final...so unimaginable...so, well, just sad.

No matter the reasons, to make the decision to walk away from your 1 day old infant...one would think there would be an unbearable amount of pain and sadness.

I will chose to think there was pain. A lot of pain. A lot of sadness. Parents that wanted a better life for their baby girl. Parents who will never forget that day on December 18th, 2007.

I have promised myself that I will never pass judgement on McKenna's birth parents as there are so many circumstances that will forever be unknown.

Bottom line.....She was meant to be ours. No matter how she got to us. No matter what her history.

This is the last birthday she will ever spend without her family.

Happy Birthday, McKenna. May this day be filled with fun, laughter and a wonderful celebration of your precious life.

Care Packages for McKenna....a great way to stay connected.

Care packages are a great way to feel connected to your waiting child. If you want to send one, you must go through a third party to do so. We found the most wonderful organization called Ladybugs N Love. They have a gal over in China, Angela, who shops for your items and puts them all together. She will also translate letters and call the orphanages to learn more about your child. For birthdays, they will send the orphanage or foster home money to buy a cake and in return, they ask for pictures of the child/cake as insurance that the funds were used properly. It's a great way of getting updated photos of your child!

Our first care package was sent right after we received our PA from the CC@@. We included a letter to the foster family and an album made up of 10 photographs of our family. Angela does a great job of labeling the photos in Mandarin so the foster parents can teach your child about each member of their new family. We also included several treats, cameras, a blankie and a stuffed animal. My favorite part of their service is getting to ask 10 questions about McKenna and her life. Angela does a great job of taking pictures of the care package (see above) and then keeping you posted about the progress of delivery, updates, etc.

Our package was delivered to the orphanage in Pingnan County, but we found out later (through Angela) that McKenna is several hours away in Nanning. We were a bit taken back with this news. Our agency was not aware that McKenna's foster family lives in Nanning and pretty much said that we may not get any more information on her. The information that was given to us in McKenna's file was pretty dated (so were the photos), so we were pretty sad that there may not be any way of sending something for McKenna or learning new tidbits about her. Our agency said that the Guangxi province was pretty strict about giving out any updated information. Well, Angela didn't give up! She continued to call and finally connected with the director of the orphanage in Pingnan. She found out that McKenna was in Nanning because this is where she had surgery/casting for her club foot issue. They decided to leave her with the foster family because she was doing so well (her surgery was a success). The director told Angela that she would be going to Nanning to see McKenna before her birthday, 12/18, and if we wanted to send more things, she would personally take the packages there for us. She is also going to be getting all of our 10 questions answered and will be taking the money we sent for a birthday cake. Immediately, I ordered more goodies for McKenna! We are so anxious to learn anything more about her. Most importantly, we are thrilled that she will receive the pictures of us so she knows our faces when we come to get her. I owe a big thank you to Ladybugs N Love and most of all, to Angela.

I'm amazed at the desperate feeling I have to learn ANYTHING more about McKenna. I have poured over her medical file, growth and developmental chart and photographs a million times already. Any information from this point forward will be such a great bonus for us!

I800A is on its way!

Fed Ex Office has been my home away from home lately. When I started on this journey, I knew that the paper chasing was intense, but I never knew just how much until I was smack dab in the middle of it. The day we turned in our applications to both Bay Area Adoption and our home study agency was the same day we received our referral for McKenna. That same day, we had applied for our passports, never suspecting for a moment that we would receive our daughter's file that night. As a matter of fact, when the post office worker asked if we wanted our passports expedited for an extra charge, we said "why would we do that??" Little did we know at that time, the next day would bring a whirl wind of expediting! We thought we'd have plenty of time to gather our documents...God had another plan for us.

The paper chase started with our 33 required documents for our Home Study. As we muddled through that paper work, we were faced with many obstacles, each one seeming worse than the one before. I started to compare the process to the awful morning sickness I had with both Jack and Ava (thank goodness, none with Austin). You know it's only temporary and you know that it's all worth it, but at the time, it seems so miserable. I certainly could see the light at the end of the tunnel and boy, that light guided me through every step of the way!

Fast forward 6 weeks....6 VERY long weeks of collecting, printing, overnighting, requesting, check writing, doctor visiting, money ordering, notarizing, writing, researching, pleading, organizing, praying, crying (this was me, not my husband:)), stressing, etc. and our I800A is FINALLY on its way to the USCIS. It's hard to imagine that now all we do is WAIT. We are waiting for our fingerprinting appointment and after that is complete, we will wait for our I800A approval. We are hopeful that even though the USCIS quotes 90 days, this process will go much faster.

Our dossier portfolio is all complete, except for the I800A approval. After our I800A approval comes in, we will send our 13 documents to the Secretary of State Department for the Apostille Seal and then on to the Chinese Embassy for authentication. I'm crossing my fingers that a miracle will come our way and we will meet our January 27th deadline, given by the CC@@. If not, we will have to file for an extension.

I am still a little taken back with this difficult process. The seemingly endless paper chase combined with the tortuous wait to bring your child home is a true test to your commitment and desire to adopt. The clock continues to tick....each second, a reminder that our little girl is on the other side of the world, but each second also bringing us closer to the time when we will bring her home forever.

Who knew a Christmas stocking could hold so much meaning?

As I pulled out my Christmas decorations on Thanksgiving day (my favorite time of year!), I quickly realized that our family Christmas stockings were a bit ragged and needed to be replaced. With the birth of each child over the years, I always started over with the stockings so we would all coordinate. Our Christmas stockings are always displayed in the house during the holidays as they represent each person in the family. These stockings were 5 years old...bought when I was pregnant with Ava. While I stared at the stockings, an overwhelming feeling crept up out of nowhere. These stockings needed to be replaced not because they were worn out, but because there is a little soul out there that needs to be represented, too. It was time to start a new "stocking" chapter in our lives. As I shopped for the perfect stockings, my mind was filled with visions of our new daughter. There is so much to learn about her, so much to teach her, so many memories to create with her. She doesn't even know about Christmas yet! When I got home with 6 new stockings, I hung them across the fireplace mantle. Ava walked in and immediately honed in on the new number of stockings. The usual 5 was a beautiful 6 across. Ava pointed to each stocking and wanted to know who it belonged to. When we got to McKenna's, she walked over and gave it a hug and kiss. She spent the next hour asking me over and over again whose stocking was whose...each time, stopping at McKenna's and smiling. As I look at the mantle now and see the 6 stockings, there is an ache in my heart when I see the one at the end. I wonder to myself how I can love this little girl so much already. She knows nothing about me or her new family. She has no idea how much we feel she is part of our family already. Yes, she will be represented in our house this Christmas. Her stocking will be the reminder that even though she is half way across the world, she is near to us...in our hearts and in our minds.

I can't end this post without saying that my baby girl, Ava, turns 5 tomorrow. Happy Birthday, Ava! It's been the most amazing 5 years with you in our lives. You have grown into the most wonderful little girl...full of life, full of zest, full of spirit.

Have you followed your heart today?

How many times in life can you honestly say you have followed your heart? Given in to a constant, gnawing feeling that there is something bigger out there for you to do? Trusted completely in God to lead you, blindly following the twists and turns that you would face along the way? We all know the feeling...we have all had moments in our lives where we wanted to do something, be something, make a difference. We dream big as a child and as we grow older, the visions fade out and doubt sets in. We come up with every possible reason why we "shouldn't" instead of coming up with reasons why we "should". We are led by others doubting our dreams, when instead we should be looking within. The constant gnawing feeling becomes less and we move on without following that dream.

Our journey started with that gnawing feeling. A fierce, unexplainable desire to add a little girl to our family who not only needed us, but who we needed, too. I tried to ignore the feeling at first, coming up with every possible reason why this would not work in our busy lives. But day after day, the feeling was there...loud and clear and it was not going to go away. I knew there was a little girl out there that would complete our family. My husband and I have always said that we would adopt if we ever wanted more children, but I never saw us going through with those plans. When I started talking to friends about my desire to adopt, I was faced with comments I wasn't expecting. Some even tried to talk me out of it, like it would somehow affect their own lives. I pushed the negativity out of my head and listened only to my heart. My husband and I pressed forward, researching all we could about International adoption. There was no doubt in my mind that China was the country of choice and the more we learned, the more we knew that we were being called to their Waiting Children Program. I spent my days researching dozens of medical conditions, trying to decide what we could handle in our family in regards to special needs. As much as I struggled with narrowing down my list, I knew in my heart that this program was where we would find our daughter. Ultimately, there are no guarantees of health with anyone and we were ready to take that leap of faith.

On October 20th, we submitted the remaining fees and paperwork to our home study and adoption agency. The sense of peace I felt that day was overwhelming. I was going to trust in God and let the rest fall into place. Little did I know that at 11:00 that night, I would get a call with the most wonderful news!

By 3:00 the next day, we submitted our LOI for a beautiful little girl from Pingnan County, Guangxi Province. Her age and special needs fit exactly what we indicated we were looking for! There is no doubt in our minds that this little girl was meant to be part of our family. There were so many signs along the way that led us to submitting our application that day. What are the chances!?!

We received our PA on October 27th and are currently waiting for the final draft of the home study so we can submit our 1800A. The last month has been a blur of paper chasing. I had no idea that compiling a dossier was so intense! There were several road blocks along the way, but in the end, we accomplished a lot in a very short period of time.

There is no better feeling for us than to know we followed our hearts and it led right to our baby girl, McKenna. We let nothing get in the way of our vision to complete our family with this precious little girl from China. We are all so excited to start this new chapter in our lives. It's going to be one exciting ride!