Looking Foward...

It has been a month since McKenna's passing. It's been such a blur for us, that's for sure. Emotions catch us off guard and just when we think our wounds are healing, the scab gets ripped off yet again. I found myself in quite a dark hole last week....all the TAs were coming in at our agency......and there was one that was missing. I had no idea I would be affected so terribly by our absent TA. It nearly put me right back on my knees. When so many were celebrating (as they should!) I was completely devastated all over again. The hurt is just so deep. So many months of dreaming, planning, missing, loving...it all disappeared with a phone call. The dates we would have traveled to bring McKenna home are going to come and go. I studied those dates for months. Stared at the calendar. Counted the days, time and time again. And a matter of weeks made a difference between life and death for our baby girl. My heart was aching....so badly.

Some how.....some way, I pulled out of this dark place. It was almost miraculous and I am so thankful that my faith in this journey is so strong. I have come full circle to realize that I need to look forward now, even though I know I will still have the unexpected emotions still creeping in. I now know that I am healing from this terrible sadness.....

I ordered this necklace for McKenna's foster mother. The symbols are representative of her Chinese name, JIAN CAI. Her name translates to "healthy" and "colorful". I have no doubt that McKenna was quite the "colorful" child. And we know that although she died from a terrible illness, she is now whole and healthy. Forever.

The necklace will be hand delivered by my good friend, Nicole, who is headed to China for her little Peyton next month. Nicole will pass the necklace to the Grace and Hope staff, and they have agreed to pass it along to the foster family. We want them to know how much McKenna was loved....even from half a world away. And how much we appreciated what they did for her. We were able to write them a letter and express all of these emotions. It does bring us some type of closure and gives us the feeling that now we can move on.

And now, as I look forward, I am finding happiness again. This journey started with such a leap of faith. Of course, I never expected this bumpy road, but I know it's leading me somewhere. We have our arms and our hearts wide open for our new little girl, Quinn. Her smile warms our hearts and give us so much to look forward to. Our new blog:

www.frombluebonnetstoalittlelotusflower.blogspot.com

We'd love for you to stop by and see Quinn's precious face!

Side note: the necklace was purchased from Jiayin Designs. All necklaces are custom made over in China and mailed to your home. Check out their website: www.jiayindesigns.com. The necklace is even more beautiful in person than in the photo!

So with that, I sign off of McKenna's blog and will always remember the pure emotion/joy/excitement/love/anticipation/dreams.....while I wrote all of these posts. McKenna will be with us forever and she will always be such an important part of our journey to Quinn.

2,000 Ladybugs

Ava had the great idea of releasing 2,000 ladybugs into our garden in honor of McKenna. She says they are going to fly to heaven to see McKenna. She also had us write this letter:

Dear McKenna:

I miss you. My whole family misses you. We all cried for you. We are your family. We love you.

We are all hanging in there and although we are still very sad, we are moving forward. We will never forget this special little lady bug, but we know there is another little girl out there that belongs in our family. This is giving our family a lot of hope that this journey was not supposed to end here.

Enjoy the ladybug pics! I have never seen so many ladybugs in one place!

The Impact of a Little Ladybug

We are so thankful and amazed with all the support we have received through this very difficult time. I know McKenna can feel the huge outpouring of love and celebration of her life as she rests in the arms of God.

I have to be honest...it's been hard for me to grasp this tragedy. Why such a precious child would be taken away just when she was getting her forever family...it's beyond our answers. In all of our despair, we have looked for something positive to come out of this. We were led down this path for reasons we just don't understand right now. McKenna was meant to come into our lives...and she deserved to be loved with all we have. She deserved big dreams. She deserved all of the months of planning we did for her. She deserved SO MUCH MORE.

But for reasons we may never understand, it was not meant to be the way we wanted it. Her life was meant for something else.

This special child has had such an impact on so many lives...how touching, how amazing, how incredible. This little orphan who was abandoned at one day old, living in a small city in China, has reached across oceans and brought so many of us together. The world of adoption has opened my eyes to so many things. So many wonderful people. So many wonderful stories. And some tragic ones as well. I have learned so much. McKenna has taught me well. My eyes are open, my heart is full, and knowing how it turned out with our little ladybug, I would do it all over again. No question. I'm a better person for knowing this baby girl.

In honor of our little ladybug, we have started a new blog to help raise money for a wonderful organization called Grace and Hope. This organization took McKenna out of her orphanage and put her into a foster family. This family was all she knew....and they loved her....just like a family would. We are so comforted that she knew this kind of love. We want to give other kids the opportunity to know that kind of love while they wait for their forever families. Please visit McKenna's legacy website. We would love to honor her life in a positive way.

Her life was meant for something else. We believe her legacy could help so many others.

www.aladybugslegacy.blogspot.com

I want to say thank you again for the incredible amount of support. It's helping us cope as the grief runs deep. And thank you for embracing McKenna's life.

Devastated

We are heartbroken. Devastated. Crushed. Helpless.

McKenna has passed away unexpectedly. I can barely even type these words. It just doesn't seem real.

We are having a hard time right now and it's tough to put thoughts into words. Please say a prayer for her, think of her, honor her life. She deserved so much more. She was so loved....she had a big life planned for her. And a family to call her own. Why did this happen to her? I'm struggling. A lot.

I need some time to wrap my head around this. This has brought me to my knees and I'm just lost. I am trying to see the bigger picture here, but all I see is sadness. Lots of sadness. I promise to check back in at some point. I can't bear to take down her blog. I am just broken.

Rest In Peace, baby girl. We love you.

Mother's Day Pictures

What a great day to celebrate BEING a Mom! There's certainly nothing better!

I feel like I have won something!

And it would be my NVC LETTER! It's one of the LAST steps to getting our travel approval.

I cannot describe what it feels like every time you can cross a "step" off your list. You wait and wait....and wait some more......for ONE step to be completed. You can't even look towards the next step until the current one is marked off your list. So, when the time comes...and you find out you have moved past a step....it feels like you have won the best prize. It's the highest UP of the roller coaster. And then you start going DOWN while you wait again. Waiting for the next UP.

Roller coaster ride. Great analogy. Still on it....can't wait to get off and pick up my baby girl!

Getting closer!

Just one more thing to cross of the list. Now we are waiting on the paper work to be sent from the USCIS to the National Visa Center. There are several steps from there, but we are just happy to be progressing on this journey. It's getting much closer now! I'm guessing it will take another 7-9 weeks from here. We are hoping to travel in mid to late June.