Thinking of McKenna

It's been a few days since McKenna's birthday...it took me those few days to write this post. McKenna would have been 3 years old this Christmas season. I come across her picture quite often on my computer and every time, the site of her stops me in my tracks. I can still remember the joy I felt when I looked at those same pictures...the hope, the love, the excitement...the promise of her new life with our family. And when I look at the same pictures now, all I feel is pure sadness. It still breaks my heart into pieces when I think of what happened to her.

So, as this holiday season goes on without McKenna in this world, we will think of her. And she will remain in our hearts....

Looking Foward...

It has been a month since McKenna's passing. It's been such a blur for us, that's for sure. Emotions catch us off guard and just when we think our wounds are healing, the scab gets ripped off yet again. I found myself in quite a dark hole last week....all the TAs were coming in at our agency......and there was one that was missing. I had no idea I would be affected so terribly by our absent TA. It nearly put me right back on my knees. When so many were celebrating (as they should!) I was completely devastated all over again. The hurt is just so deep. So many months of dreaming, planning, missing, loving...it all disappeared with a phone call. The dates we would have traveled to bring McKenna home are going to come and go. I studied those dates for months. Stared at the calendar. Counted the days, time and time again. And a matter of weeks made a difference between life and death for our baby girl. My heart was aching....so badly.

Some how.....some way, I pulled out of this dark place. It was almost miraculous and I am so thankful that my faith in this journey is so strong. I have come full circle to realize that I need to look forward now, even though I know I will still have the unexpected emotions still creeping in. I now know that I am healing from this terrible sadness.....

I ordered this necklace for McKenna's foster mother. The symbols are representative of her Chinese name, JIAN CAI. Her name translates to "healthy" and "colorful". I have no doubt that McKenna was quite the "colorful" child. And we know that although she died from a terrible illness, she is now whole and healthy. Forever.

The necklace will be hand delivered by my good friend, Nicole, who is headed to China for her little Peyton next month. Nicole will pass the necklace to the Grace and Hope staff, and they have agreed to pass it along to the foster family. We want them to know how much McKenna was loved....even from half a world away. And how much we appreciated what they did for her. We were able to write them a letter and express all of these emotions. It does bring us some type of closure and gives us the feeling that now we can move on.

And now, as I look forward, I am finding happiness again. This journey started with such a leap of faith. Of course, I never expected this bumpy road, but I know it's leading me somewhere. We have our arms and our hearts wide open for our new little girl, Quinn. Her smile warms our hearts and give us so much to look forward to. Our new blog:

www.frombluebonnetstoalittlelotusflower.blogspot.com

We'd love for you to stop by and see Quinn's precious face!

Side note: the necklace was purchased from Jiayin Designs. All necklaces are custom made over in China and mailed to your home. Check out their website: www.jiayindesigns.com. The necklace is even more beautiful in person than in the photo!

So with that, I sign off of McKenna's blog and will always remember the pure emotion/joy/excitement/love/anticipation/dreams.....while I wrote all of these posts. McKenna will be with us forever and she will always be such an important part of our journey to Quinn.

2,000 Ladybugs

Ava had the great idea of releasing 2,000 ladybugs into our garden in honor of McKenna. She says they are going to fly to heaven to see McKenna. She also had us write this letter:

Dear McKenna:

I miss you. My whole family misses you. We all cried for you. We are your family. We love you.

We are all hanging in there and although we are still very sad, we are moving forward. We will never forget this special little lady bug, but we know there is another little girl out there that belongs in our family. This is giving our family a lot of hope that this journey was not supposed to end here.

Enjoy the ladybug pics! I have never seen so many ladybugs in one place!

The Impact of a Little Ladybug

We are so thankful and amazed with all the support we have received through this very difficult time. I know McKenna can feel the huge outpouring of love and celebration of her life as she rests in the arms of God.

I have to be honest...it's been hard for me to grasp this tragedy. Why such a precious child would be taken away just when she was getting her forever family...it's beyond our answers. In all of our despair, we have looked for something positive to come out of this. We were led down this path for reasons we just don't understand right now. McKenna was meant to come into our lives...and she deserved to be loved with all we have. She deserved big dreams. She deserved all of the months of planning we did for her. She deserved SO MUCH MORE.

But for reasons we may never understand, it was not meant to be the way we wanted it. Her life was meant for something else.

This special child has had such an impact on so many lives...how touching, how amazing, how incredible. This little orphan who was abandoned at one day old, living in a small city in China, has reached across oceans and brought so many of us together. The world of adoption has opened my eyes to so many things. So many wonderful people. So many wonderful stories. And some tragic ones as well. I have learned so much. McKenna has taught me well. My eyes are open, my heart is full, and knowing how it turned out with our little ladybug, I would do it all over again. No question. I'm a better person for knowing this baby girl.

In honor of our little ladybug, we have started a new blog to help raise money for a wonderful organization called Grace and Hope. This organization took McKenna out of her orphanage and put her into a foster family. This family was all she knew....and they loved her....just like a family would. We are so comforted that she knew this kind of love. We want to give other kids the opportunity to know that kind of love while they wait for their forever families. Please visit McKenna's legacy website. We would love to honor her life in a positive way.

Her life was meant for something else. We believe her legacy could help so many others.

www.aladybugslegacy.blogspot.com

I want to say thank you again for the incredible amount of support. It's helping us cope as the grief runs deep. And thank you for embracing McKenna's life.

Devastated

We are heartbroken. Devastated. Crushed. Helpless.

McKenna has passed away unexpectedly. I can barely even type these words. It just doesn't seem real.

We are having a hard time right now and it's tough to put thoughts into words. Please say a prayer for her, think of her, honor her life. She deserved so much more. She was so loved....she had a big life planned for her. And a family to call her own. Why did this happen to her? I'm struggling. A lot.

I need some time to wrap my head around this. This has brought me to my knees and I'm just lost. I am trying to see the bigger picture here, but all I see is sadness. Lots of sadness. I promise to check back in at some point. I can't bear to take down her blog. I am just broken.

Rest In Peace, baby girl. We love you.

Mother's Day Pictures

What a great day to celebrate BEING a Mom! There's certainly nothing better!

I feel like I have won something!

And it would be my NVC LETTER! It's one of the LAST steps to getting our travel approval.

I cannot describe what it feels like every time you can cross a "step" off your list. You wait and wait....and wait some more......for ONE step to be completed. You can't even look towards the next step until the current one is marked off your list. So, when the time comes...and you find out you have moved past a step....it feels like you have won the best prize. It's the highest UP of the roller coaster. And then you start going DOWN while you wait again. Waiting for the next UP.

Roller coaster ride. Great analogy. Still on it....can't wait to get off and pick up my baby girl!

Getting closer!

Just one more thing to cross of the list. Now we are waiting on the paper work to be sent from the USCIS to the National Visa Center. There are several steps from there, but we are just happy to be progressing on this journey. It's getting much closer now! I'm guessing it will take another 7-9 weeks from here. We are hoping to travel in mid to late June.

The Blessed Road of Adoption

I have been following an adoption blog that has really touched my soul. I follow quite a few, but this one is really special to me. Today, there is a post titled "What Love Can Do". You can read it here:

When I read it, I felt so blessed to be headed down the adoption road. To see the journey of this amazing family and watch the transformation of their little girl....it's priceless. At the same time, the way this little girl has affected their lives....honestly, I'm speechless. Just when I think I know the impact McKenna's adoption will have on our family, I see or read something that makes my heart grow bigger. When people ask me why I would adopt an orphan I have never met, I cannot easily put into words the "why". My reasons at the beginning of this journey are some of the same ones I have now.

BUT there is so much more to this than I ever realized.

There is no way I could summarize the "WHY" in a simple conversation....there are way too many reasons and some that are just undescribable. When you read something like "What Love Can Do", you see first hand how a family full of love affects the lives of everyone involved. Many people have said to me that McKenna is such a lucky little girl that we are adopting her.

And I see it as if WE are the lucky ones.

The truth is, that all of us....TOGETHER.....will be affected in the most amazing way. And there may never be a way of fully explaining it to anyone.

So, I'll hope that my words will give some insight to the true love behind adoption. And I hope that I can inspire someone else to open their heart to this blessed road.

Guess what arrived today!?!

YEP!!! Our LOA!!!! I'm sure the Fed Ex guy was not expecting me to meet him on the sidewalk with my camera! He actually thought it was really neat that he was part of delivering such important documents.

I was completely surprised when my agency called today. I was "hoping" for an early arrival, but wasn't really expecting it. So, after feeling like I had just won the lottery, I started running around like a crazy person trying to get the new set of paper work completed. Of course, when you are submitting something like this and you have a VERY type A personality like mine, you print and reprint documents to make sure they are perfect.

So, now we wait for our TA (travel approval). There are a few things that have to happen in between LOA and TA, but the process usually takes 7-9 weeks. Lately, we've been seeing the TAs taking longer, but I am hopeful that we will be traveling in mid June to early July. Maybe a 4th of July celebration for the Greig's!

I am celebrating my LOA, but also so glad to cross this off my list. We are one step closer......and now we can see the light.

UPDATES!!!

5 months later, we finally get an update on McKenna! I had really all but given up and accepted that we may not get anymore information on her. So imagine my surprise when my agency coordinator (God Bless her!) sent these photos and updated measurements to me! It was like opening the best present you could ever dream of. So, today I will celebrate and obsess over every photo. Now, I'm bound and determined to make this baby girl wear a SMILE when we bring her home. She always seems so serious in her photographs! Take note of the whistle she is wearing in the pictures....we get the feeling that McKenna has a very spirited personality, which will serve her well under the reign of Miss Ava. (Of course, now Ava wants a matching whistle.)

Updated Measurements:

Height: 33 inches, weight: 28 pounds, head size: 18 inches, length of feet: 5.5 inches, number of teeth: 17

Oh and by the way, today is day 41 of the LOA wait. We have seen a huge amount of LOAs being given out this month with various waiting parents. That fact gives me a little hope that we'll get our LOA in the next 3 -4 weeks or so.

Now, on to staring at my new favorite pictures......

The Girlie Girls' Room

Okay, I have to admit.....it's been REALLY fun decorating this room! Quite the retail therapy and project I have needed lately. We started from scratch and wanted to come up with the "perfect" little room for Ava and McKenna to share. Lots of love went into bringing this room to life....thank you Mom and Richard (and Johnny for putting up with my obsession with decorating kids rooms)! The two royal princesses will share many memories in this room.......laughter, tea parties, dress up sessions......sisterly love. Ava is still a little lonely without her baby sister in the room at night, but we are working really hard on that! It's all becoming much more real to us......McKenna's throne awaits!!!

You have to celebrate the small things.....

To China With Love....

We are 24 days into our "wait" for LOA. Only 24 days....with at least another 40 days or more to go. After all of the rushing around to prepare the dossier, it's tough to sit back and just wait. Sooooo, what better way to pass the time than RETAIL THERAPY?? I have to admit, I've done quite a bit of that lately. I am working on the girls' room now and promise to post pictures when the room is all complete. I've also been picking things up here and there for McKenna. It sure makes me feel a little closer to her. I think there needs to be "retail therapy" budget in the whole adoption process.

I decided to send McKenna an Easter care package through Ann at Red Threads. The CC@@ requires waiting parents to send care packages through a 3rd party. Our agency finally found out that the packages we sent in December were delivered to McKenna via the Pingnan County orphanage director. Someone from the orphanage visits McKenna once a month in Nanning to check on her. This was great news to hear and knowing that, I feel much better about sending another package. In the care package, I'm also going to add a letter (translated by Ann) and include a self addressed/stamped envelope in hopes that the foster family will send me something back. It worked great for my friend, Nicole, adopting from Nanning as well. It's a great way of getting questions answered by the people who know McKenna the best!

I think we are finally half way there. It's hard to think that we are JUST NOW half way, but as I look back on the last 4 months, I can honestly say this journey has been quite amazing. This little girl has changed me, already, and though the wait is brutally hard, I know the best is yet to come.

McKenna's Finding Ad

Finding ads are quite common in Chinese newspapers. According to the government, all children that are found abandoned must be put in the paper; hence "finding ad". There is an organization who collects all of these papers so they can provide adoptive parents the earliest documentation of their child's life. The ads give a description of the child and exactly where they were found. McKenna's ad was found last week. McKenna's ad states that she was found at one day old, under the banyan tree, in front of the Pingnan County government building. While I'm so glad to have this early photo of her, there are other emotions to contend with. It is painful to think of her as a 1 day old infant, under the tree, all alone....left behind. I also ordered the full paper, where it shows about 10 other kids, 2 of which must be 9 or 10, along with her. An entire section of the Chinese newspapers are dedicated to these kids. It's a great reminder to why we started on this journey. There are so many abandoned children in China. This all brings me back to the Starfish Thrower story. There are so many orphans in this world and while you can't possibly save them all, you certainly can make a difference to one. This story is posted on the side of my blog, but I would like to draw attention to it again here. It certainly tied it all together for us:

Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work. One day he was walking along the shore. As he looked down the beach, he saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself to think of someone who would dance to the day. So he began to walk faster to catch up. As he got closer, he saw that it was a young man and the young man wasn't dancing, but instead he was reaching down to the shore, picking up something and very gently throwing it into the ocean.

As he got closer, he called out, "Good morning! What are you doing?" The young man paused, looked up and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean."

"I guess I should have asked, Why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?"

"The sun is up and the tide is going out. And if I don't throw them in they'll die."

"But young man, don't you realize that there are miles and miles of beach and starfish all along it. You can't possibly make a difference!"

The young man listened politely. Then bent down, picked up another starfish and threw it into the sea, past the breaking waves. "It made a difference for that one!"

How can you miss someone you've never met?

I woke up today with an uneasy feeling. Thoughts of McKenna were dancing through my mind...I must have had a dream about her. As I sat with my morning coffee, I started going through a few of the pictures I have of her. I look at these pictures quite frequently, but today, they brought about a whole different range of emotions. Plain and simple, I miss this precious little girl..the kind of "miss" that leaves a little hole in your heart. A void that you know cannot be filled with anything else but her. I know these emotions are part of this journey, but there is no reasoning with my heart. I'm going to feel the void of her absence until she is in my arms. I know some people wonder how you can miss someone you have never met. I may have wondered the same thing before I started on this journey. This process has been so eye opening....life changing....so much bigger than me. The range of emotions are quite overwhelming at times. I can compare this journey to what I experienced while pregnant with my 3 children. From the very beginning of my pregnancies, I became immediately attached to my babies. As they grew in my tummy, the love I felt for them grew as well. I became entrenched in learning all I could about how they were developing at each and every phase. I became attached to their due dates, their names, their promises of life. I dreamed big things for my kids, all before I saw their faces. And I certainly loved them with every ounce of my being. There has been nothing better in my life than becoming their Mom. This is how I feel about McKenna. The journey of becoming her Mom may be a bit different, but I can honestly say, the love is growing the same way it did for my other kids. I feel so lucky in many ways that she has come into my life. She has already made me a better person...changed the way I look at life...opened my heart to love in ways I have never known. All of this and we have never even met.

So, I will go about my days, still feeling the void, but preparing big dreams for McKenna. The void continues to grow, but the love we all feel for McKenna grows more. I hope she is having a wonderful Chinese New Year celebration this week. I know we are looking forward to sharing this holiday with her next year!

Our LID has arrived!

I have to remember that most people have NO clue what a LID means! All of the adoption acronyms were so foreign to me at first and now I am obsessed with 3 little letters. LID=Log in Date. Our LID is officially 2/10/2010. Our dossier has been received in China and will have to be translated now. Our countdown to LOA has begun. I'm already 1 day in, which weirdly enough, feels pretty good! Next week is Chinese New Year and the CCAA is closed for 7 full days..hopefully this will be motivation for the CCAA workers to clear their desks faster. It's getting more difficult to remain patient through this process. There has been no official updates on McKenna and we are not even sure she ever received the 2 care packages we sent her. Because her orphanage is in Pingnan County and she is being fostered in Nanning, it makes it very hard to get any information on her. I am hoping we can get an update before we travel. It sure would be nice to know her clothing size before we go. So many people ask me what McKenna is like and I have to tell them I really have no idea. I "think" I know what she'll be like, but honestly, I am ready for anything. Our faith has lead us to this little girl and we know she was meant to be ours.

Now, on to that LOA....

Three beautiful letters...DTC.

Dossier-crossing it off my list!

Precious documents are on the way to California! Our dossier is finally complete! When the Fed Ex guy asked me if I wanted to declare a value on the package, I was speechless for a few moments. How can you put a value on the 3 months of blood, sweat and tears that went into that dossier? Not to mention the amount of time and money spent collecting the documents, getting notaries, getting the I800A, state apostilles and Chinese authentications (did I mention I had my car towed last week when I went to the embassy?). The value of that package is immeasurable as it represents a lifeline straight to McKenna. As the Fed Ex guy explains to me that I can only declare the value of the paper it's printed on, I started rambling on about how important it is for the package to arrive safely. He took a real interest in our story and by the time I was done paying, he says our package will be going into the special pile. I have no clue if there really is a "special" pile, but it made me feel better none the less. By this time tomorrow, our dossier will hopefully be safe in the hands of our agency representative! By Friday, we should be DTC. I'm so happy to be through this part. It puts us one step closer to McKenna!

1 step closer to dossier completion!

It's official! Our dossier documents have the State of Texas apostille on them and are ready for the Chinese Embassy tomorrow. It was worth the 6 hours of driving back and forth to our state capital so we could get things done quickly! Ava told everyone she could find that we were there to get stuff done so we could bring her little sister home. She was just as excited as I was!

Completing this step is such a relief.